Save The Earth, Don’t Give Birth


As I write this, there are 7.4 billion people on the planet. That’s 7,400,000,000+ weird, fleshy things tearing up nature to make more asphalt roads, concrete buildings, and McDonald’s restaurants while simultaneously increasing their number to 10 billion by 2060. Do I think the world is going to end soon though? Not really. Stephen Hawking reckons we’ve got about 1,000 years left, so I’m not gonna preach climate change at you. I will, however, try to convince you creating a new human being is just about the worst thing you can do environmentally and financially. Financially speaking, I’m sure you knew this already, but what fun would this be if I didn’t give you hard numbers? Here’s some hard evidence why being a parent is objectively terrible.

Let’s start with the financial burden. I’m going to assume you have a kid at 30 because Statistics Canada says “the modern time frame for childbearing has become increasingly concentrated around age 30”. Raising a child to age 18 in Canada costs $253,946.97, so let’s just assume you did the smart thing, DIDN’T have a kid, and decided to bank the full amount at age 48. Using the ol’ Compound Interest Calculator I love so much, let’s see what happens in the 17 years between 48-65 at 7% interest with one kid vs. none… A DIFFERENCE OF $769,676.91!!! That’s PER KID by the way, so if you were planning on having two, do the math accordingly. Children really fuck up retirement plans, eh? So much for your plans of travelling the world. That’s diaper money now! But wait, there’s more.

Planning for children tends to interfere with other life goals. Where a parent might decide to spend their entire working life financing a family home they can pass down to their children, other options like 99-year leaseholds might pass them by, leaving their lifetime workload high and life satisfaction low. Also, there’s “very little difference” between parents and non-parents when it comes to life satisfaction, so don’t act like having kids is a type of joy only parents can understand. I, for instance, love that I can fuck off to Mexico whenever I want, and maybe that’s a joy only the childless can understand. It’s apples and oranges. I choose Mexico.

But what about the planet? Just how damaging is creating a brand new human by mashing together our naughty bits? The average Canadian creates 15.7 tonnes of carbon emissions in just a year, and over the average Canadian lifespan of 81.24 years, that’s 1,275 tonnes of carbon emissions we’ve got to worry about PER PERSON. That’s like 3,000,000+ miles driven by an average passenger vehicle, ENOUGH TO DRIVE THE MOTHERFUCKING EQUATOR 120 TIMES. It’s also kinda like converting 8.7 beef-loving omnivores to full-blown vegans. On a tree planting level, if you still think you can somehow make your kid carbon-neutral, she’d have to plant 33,000+ trees just to break even, AND THEY’D HAVE TO STAND FOR AT LEAST 10 YEARS. I don’t know about you, but I’ve planted literally one goddamn tree. It’s dead now, just like any notion I might’ve had about having a kid. Making a child is fucking insane.

Now, if you took the stance of saving the world instead of destroying it, it can be as cheap as $0.10 to plant a tree. With the $253,946.97 you saved from NOT having a kid, you’re looking at planting about 2.5 million trees if you put it all into environmental forestry, enough to offset about 75 Canadian children. THAT’S NOT EVEN A LOT. Remember how I said world population is gonna grow by 2.6 BILLION BY 2060? If they were all as wasteful as Canadians, we’d need 85,800,000,000,000 trees to offset that – 85.8 TRILLION, OVER 25 TIMES THE NUMBER WE ALREADY HAVE ON EARTH.


Ask yourself just one thing before you decide to have a kid: “Why the fuck am I doing this?”

Seriously! Do it! You’ll often find the answer is something objectively silly like “all my friends are having kids”, “it was my mother’s dying wish” or “I think a child will finally make me happy”. (News flash: It won’t.)

With the knowledge I’ve just given you, you can’t afford to play biological poker with your junk anymore. Your happiness, your financial security, and the fate of the entire human race rests solely in your pants.

Give a fuck. Wrap it up.

Wanna poke holes in my math? Do it on our Facebook.