How To Get Your Kid Set For Retirement

Screen Shot 2017-07-26 at 7.14.12 PM

I’ll just cut to the chase: When your kid is born, put $12,400 in an investment generating 7% interest, and they’ll be a millionaire by 65. I know that sounds crazy, and I’m making a LOT of assumptions, but you can find all the justifications for my logic in this post here. Again, this is presented as data ONLY. Listen up, new parents. It’s time to make your kids millionaires.


All of these equal $1M:
0 – $12,400 x 65 years of 7% growth
1 – $13,200 x 64 years of 7% growth
2 – $14,100 x 63 years of 7% growth
3 – $15,100 x 62 years of 7% growth
4 – $16,200 x 61 years of 7% growth
5 – $17,300 x 60 years of 7% growth
6 – $18,500 x 59 years of 7% growth
7 – $19,800 x 58 years of 7% growth
8 – $21,200 x 57 years of 7% growth
9 – $22,700 x 56 years of 7% growth
10 – $24,300 x 55 years of 7% growth
11 – $25,900 x 54 years of 7% growth
12 – $27,800 x 53 years of 7% growth
13 – $29,700 x 52 years of 7% growth
14 – $31,800 x 51 years of 7% growth
15 – $34,000 x 50 years of 7% growth
16 – $36,400 x 49 years of 7% growth
17 – $38,900 x 48 years of 7% growth
18 – $41,600 x 47 years of 7% growth


By this logic, you should actually reconsider sending your kids to university! The average four-year university undergraduate degree costs $84,000! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT CAN DO FOR A 23-YEAR-OLD? Invested at 7% interest – (I know some of you are still skeptical, so here’s further justification from someone far smarter than me) – THEY’D HAVE OVER $500,000 IN THE BANK BY 50. Wait 10 years more AND THEY’RE MILLIONAIRES. Here, crunch some numbers and get back to me. What’s especially wild is these are essentially set-and-forget investments: NO FURTHER CONTRIBUTIONS NEEDED! How are NO new parents doing this? It’s goddamn insane! Index funds, FTW!

If I’d known at 18 what I know now, I would’ve skipped post-secondary entirely. One of the richest and most successful people I know didn’t have any formal schooling AT ALL. Another friend is an artist and is set to retire with $800,000+. It turns out financial success isn’t all that linked to skills or intelligence at all. All you need is (a little) Money and (a lot of) Time!

If you completely ignored my post about not having kids, don’t ignore this one. Making a new millionaire from scratch costs $12,400 and your kids will be grateful forever. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the best damn deal I’ve ever heard.

Wishing you and your kids riches,

Save The Earth, Don’t Give Birth


As I write this, there are 7.4 billion people on the planet. That’s 7,400,000,000+ weird, fleshy things tearing up nature to make more asphalt roads, concrete buildings, and McDonald’s restaurants while simultaneously increasing their number to 10 billion by 2060. Do I think the world is going to end soon though? Not really. Stephen Hawking reckons we’ve got about 1,000 years left, so I’m not gonna preach climate change at you. I will, however, try to convince you creating a new human being is just about the worst thing you can do environmentally and financially. Financially speaking, I’m sure you knew this already, but what fun would this be if I didn’t give you hard numbers? Here’s some hard evidence why being a parent is objectively terrible.

Let’s start with the financial burden. I’m going to assume you have a kid at 30 because Statistics Canada says “the modern time frame for childbearing has become increasingly concentrated around age 30”. Raising a child to age 18 in Canada costs $253,946.97, so let’s just assume you did the smart thing, DIDN’T have a kid, and decided to bank the full amount at age 48. Using the ol’ Compound Interest Calculator I love so much, let’s see what happens in the 17 years between 48-65 at 7% interest with one kid vs. none… A DIFFERENCE OF $769,676.91!!! That’s PER KID by the way, so if you were planning on having two, do the math accordingly. Children really fuck up retirement plans, eh? So much for your plans of travelling the world. That’s diaper money now! But wait, there’s more.

Planning for children tends to interfere with other life goals. Where a parent might decide to spend their entire working life financing a family home they can pass down to their children, other options like 99-year leaseholds might pass them by, leaving their lifetime workload high and life satisfaction low. Also, there’s “very little difference” between parents and non-parents when it comes to life satisfaction, so don’t act like having kids is a type of joy only parents can understand. I, for instance, love that I can fuck off to Mexico whenever I want, and maybe that’s a joy only the childless can understand. It’s apples and oranges. I choose Mexico.

But what about the planet? Just how damaging is creating a brand new human by mashing together our naughty bits? The average Canadian creates 15.7 tonnes of carbon emissions in just a year, and over the average Canadian lifespan of 81.24 years, that’s 1,275 tonnes of carbon emissions we’ve got to worry about PER PERSON. That’s like 3,000,000+ miles driven by an average passenger vehicle, ENOUGH TO DRIVE THE MOTHERFUCKING EQUATOR 120 TIMES. It’s also kinda like converting 8.7 beef-loving omnivores to full-blown vegans. On a tree planting level, if you still think you can somehow make your kid carbon-neutral, she’d have to plant 33,000+ trees just to break even, AND THEY’D HAVE TO STAND FOR AT LEAST 10 YEARS. I don’t know about you, but I’ve planted literally one goddamn tree. It’s dead now, just like any notion I might’ve had about having a kid. Making a child is fucking insane.

Now, if you took the stance of saving the world instead of destroying it, it can be as cheap as $0.10 to plant a tree. With the $253,946.97 you saved from NOT having a kid, you’re looking at planting about 2.5 million trees if you put it all into environmental forestry, enough to offset about 75 Canadian children. THAT’S NOT EVEN A LOT. Remember how I said world population is gonna grow by 2.6 BILLION BY 2060? If they were all as wasteful as Canadians, we’d need 85,800,000,000,000 trees to offset that – 85.8 TRILLION, OVER 25 TIMES THE NUMBER WE ALREADY HAVE ON EARTH.


Ask yourself just one thing before you decide to have a kid: “Why the fuck am I doing this?”

Seriously! Do it! You’ll often find the answer is something objectively silly like “all my friends are having kids”, “it was my mother’s dying wish” or “I think a child will finally make me happy”. (News flash: It won’t.)

With the knowledge I’ve just given you, you can’t afford to play biological poker with your junk anymore. Your happiness, your financial security, and the fate of the entire human race rests solely in your pants.

Give a fuck. Wrap it up.

Wanna poke holes in my math? Do it on our Facebook.