You Have A Drinking Problem

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I have a confession to make: I like craft beer, and that makes me stupid. Let me explain.

That’s not to say craft beer itself is stupid. I fully appreciate the care and craftsmanship craft brewers put into a well-balanced ale, but if you’re reading this, I’m gonna assume you’re working towards financial independence (hereafter referred to as “FI”). Craft beer is insanely expensive in BC. Look at this beer list. Let’s assume you have a basic understanding of how numbers work and avoid the $8.25 pint, but still like the idea of a “bold yet balanced Imperial white IPA hopped with Magnum, Centennial, and Nelson Sauvin hops from New Zealand” because you have a beard. That’s $7. Not the most expensive thing on the menu, but not the cheapest. Let’s roll with that.

Alcohol in BC comes with a sneaky liquor tax of 15%. Holy shit, we’re already at $8.05. And guess what, you’re not a jerk, so you tip your server 15% too. Suddenly, your 20-ounce pint is a whopping $9.26! WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK? Can I remind you that the base ingredients are about a buck? I don’t know about you, but it takes me about 15 minutes to down a pint. I’m paying $0.62/minute, which is like me paying my beer a wage of $37.20/hour to be in me. If that doesn’t make your head spin, you need to go back to school and learn math. Liking craft beer is stupid.

Don’t drink beer? You still have a drinking problem if you’ve ever bought a $5 latte or a $2.50 bottle of pop. The problem gets exponentially worse if this is a regular occurrence. After applying some Mustachian math, we find that even buying a single $5 latte every week over 10 years costs you $3,760! Your $9.26 beer? An absolutely stupid $6,963.52! Do the math. I’ll wait. And if you’re the type to buy a $9.26 beer every fucking day… I can’t even. Go away.

Here’s a new set of rules to live by:

1) You are NEVER allowed to buy any sort of beverage that costs more than 33% of the food you’re eating it with. Sitting down for an extravagant $15 meal? Your drink budget is $5. Live with it.

2) The next time you’re thirsty, DRINK WATER. This can be a fun mind game after a while. See how long you can keep this up before you indulge in the luxury of a goddamn Montrachet or something.

3) STOP drinking at restaurants and bars. You know that MGD your server just brought to the table? It’s less than $2 if you buy it at the liquor store and drink it at home like an unstupid human being. At a bar, you’re paying 4x more. Don’t be an idiot. We have lots of those already.

Again, I’m a lucky sonofabitch. A pint of Lousy Lager at the bar across the street from me is only $5 after tax and tip. Even then, every time I slam one of those back, I understand I’m being ridiculous and spendy. Unless you’ve already hit FI, you really shouldn’t be spending more than $5/day on drinks.

Remember: water is free and comes out of taps here. You have no idea how lucky you already are.

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